Excerpts from my Journal.
Have you ever wondered what makes someone want to spend time journaling? What is it that makes a person want to dissect the thoughts in their head? I don’t journal daily, only as I feel moved to do so. But for me it has been a way to pray and a great tool for healing and awakening. I decided to take a look back at my summer entries. Here are just a few brief sentences that stood out:
May 29: "Lord, my desire is to be in union with you and to stop this calculating, racing mind that wanders into the abyss of negativity."
June 19: "…..Although I’m feeling exposed in the garment of my false self — alone in the riffraff; at the core of my being I know what I must do. Wait. Be still. Let go."
June 23: "Quote from a movie regarding death: His eyes were closed and his heart was opened.”
June 29: “Oh God, help me to be at home with who I am in you and not apologize for being a Christian.”
June 30: “Thank you, my Lord for your love that has rescued me, for your love that knows no end.
July 17: Abandonment cuts deep into the soul. It’s scar is insecurity. The deepest longing of the heart is Love.
July 27: Me: I come to sit in your Goodness. I come to forgive my biggest enemy….myself. God: And when you forgive yourself, you will have no enemies.
August 21: "2 Corinthians 4 ….We look not at what can be seen, but what cannot be seen; for what can be seen is temporary, but what cannot be seen is eternal. (Hmmmm….All that I worry about. All that I over-think, all that I can’t figure out… it doesn't matter, it is all temporary.)"
August 22: “Our deep, deep need and desire is for union with God. And remember, union is a very different goal than private perfection.”
The spiritual director in me can look back over these brief excerpts and quickly discern a belief that I am separated from God. I see myself deeply loving God and wanting to be in Divine union and yet struggling to accept my own imperfections. And yes, forgetting that union is very different than perfection! It reminds me that it is impossible to be separated from God. So I breathe. Wait...Be still... Let go. Just as the tide ebbs and flows, so too my feeling of Oneness with the Divine. And so it is.